Pause

Last week I felt I had something helpful to contribute for families facing the next few weeks. This week I struggle to know what to write that has not already been said by those with more knowledge or experience than me. So I’m going to offer a little bit of compassion to myself and the rest of you.

For our family, routines are our saviour. We all sleep better when we’ve been well exercised. We all get along more joyfully when we have been mentally engaged. We are all calmer when we know what to predict even if its just within the flow of our days. But I know that it doesn’t work like that for all families. And I know that I need to have the energy and motivation to lead these routines. So though each day has gone okay thus far, this past weekend I was tired.

As momma, as therapist, as wife, and just as me, things are a bit of a whirlwind. I am sad and grieving the spring activities we do not get to do. I am missing my in person connections with friends and family, even though as we have all discovered, there are so many creative way to connect online and by phone. There are silly things I’m missing… like I’d hoped to get a pedicure and a massage and both those things are out for the foreseeable future. I miss seeing my kids play and rough house with their friends, in joy and exuberance because even their little faces carry more stress now.

So yes, we’re lucky because we’re totally okay right now. At the same time we are grieving, each and every one of us, because the life we each planned to lead over the next few months has been dramatically interrupted. Comparing or belittling our own experiences at this moment is unhelpful, especially when we know and understand that our moments of disappointment are nothing compared to the grief others are experiencing. And yet, the disappointment and sadness or anger arrives, and no amount of perspective taking changes it. Nor does it need to- emotions themselves, just are and so a strategy is just to let them be. Behaviours have consequences, but emotions simply flow, sometimes more quickly than we like, and other times more slowly.

In order to parent our children effectively, validating their emotions, setting limits, and holding space for them to work through and understand how their world is changing, each of us must do our own work- attend to ourselves. Pause and get a sense of our own states. Attend to our own emotions, sensations, thoughts, and beliefs. To pay attention, to notice, what is happening for ourselves. Attending does not mean spending hours meditating or reaching a state of contentedness, “balance,” or zen. It simply means noticing enough of what is our own stuff to be able to see the boundary between what is self, the situation at hand, and the child showing up in that moment. Attending allows some space and some pause in order to choose the next right thing. (Yes, we may have watched Frozen 2 a half dozen times in the past few days…)

So in this moment, this is what I propose for myself and to all parents: attend to your own shit, however that looks for you- have a bath, meditate, go for a run, talk to a friend (or therapist). Obviously, the little darlings still need to be fed and watered, but all the rest of it… take a pause. Attend to yourself, then show up fully to your family - once you’ve sorted through some things and prioritized what’s right for your family. Depending on your values and your current situation- the next right thing in this season for you could be vastly different from others you know, and that’s okay … don’t worry about the pinterest olympics or the homeschool marathon. Whether or not we plan to “teach” our kids over this time away from school- each day, with each interaction-our kids are learning from each of us. All of our kids will learn exactly what they need right now when we bring ourselves genuinely, focus on connection, say sorry and start again when necessary. Pause. Breathe. Connect. Don’t step on the lego.

Some Resources for Attending:

https://www.emotionfocusedfamilytherapy.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/Emotions_in_parenting.pdf

https://www.drdansiegel.com/resources/wheel_of_awareness/

https://www.tarabrach.com/meditation-rain-fear/