Overwhelm

I’m hearing a lot of people talk about the overwhelm they are experiencing right now while at home with their whole family. I feel like things are topsy turvy because rather than figuring out ways to make transitions smoother, people are looking for ways to create concrete boundaries between activities. Here’s a list of 15 ways to build boundaries at home:

Body Boundaries

1- Eat, sleep, and move regularly: mindfully choose nourishment from all the food groups frequently enough to avoid mindlessly snacking your way through an entire bag of chips or cookies (nothing wrong with snacking on cookies or chips, but most of us feel lousy after an entire bag of them.) Create a consistent bedtime and stick to it- whether it is earlier or later than your usual. And finally, find a predictable time when you get out of the house for a walk, run, or bike ride of about 30 minutes most days. 

2- Use movement to break up your day: go for a quick walk around the block, do a short and intense cardio workout (like HIIT), or a few poses of relaxing yoga to switch gears between work time, family time, and relaxation time. Or just dance it out to a song. Here I’m talking about 5-15 minutes body breaks- not a workout. If you notice yourself procrastinating or getting distracted, allow your mind some time off the task and get the oxygen flowing, then refocus on what needs to get done.

3- Take rests: Many cultures include a siesta at midday recognizing the benefits to later in the day productivity and getting a break from high heat and sun during the afternoon. Consider how a nap, a rest, or a mediation break in the middle of the day could be helpful to you or your family. In our house, we often take a pause after lunch and watch a movie, especially on really hot days. It’s a time when I can choose to snuggle up with them on the couch. Other days, I stay busy while they are relaxing, and then when my husband gets home, take time to close my eyes, even for 5 minutes before getting to work for the evening.

Time Boundaries:

1- Make a Curfew: If work has been blending into evening and weekends, give yourself a designated stopping time and a day off. Conversely, if play time keeps encroaching on work, this also helps- it creates a deadline- I have to have X done before 5:00pm so that I can spend quality time with my family. It also create self-trust because often times people have a scarcity mindset- especially when there is increased anxiety- that they won’t get more time to do their favourite thing. If you create some predictability, say at 7:00pm everyday you watch your favourite show, you may be less likely to get distracted throughout the day.

2- Create a work/play schedule. Flexibility is key, however predictable routines are soothing and can help to create flow. They mark off different times for different activities and help folks find an ending time for activities that are ongoing. This can help to decrease the sense that work is following you everywhere.

3- Use timers and alarms. If following a schedule just isn’t working for you and your family, make consistent use of timers to move through activities or to remind yourself to shift from work time to play time. Give yourself a 5 minute warning to transition between tasks. For the perfectionists among us, give yourself a reasonable amount of time to complete a given task. When the timer beeps, set it aside, come back to it for a quick review later (set another timer) and then submit it. Many perfectionistic students are becoming overwhelmed as there are no bells signalling the end of class to hand in daily work. Give them this to help. It can also help with larger projects, using timers to break up the work.

Space Boundaries:

1- Create “zones” in your home: If you have the space, separate your work zone from your recreation and sleep zones. Whether this means different rooms in your home or using organization systems to  change the look and feel of a space from one activity to another. For us, we no longer have a dining room- we have a big table to complete school activities along with arts & crafts. We have a multicoloured bin organizer to keep school things together. We get school books out during homeschool time and then tidy everything up as soon as we are done. This creates a transition from work to play time for our kids.

2- Curate your space. If you tend to live in clutter (no judgement here) it can create sensory overwhelm. Take the time to clear out the space, including only what you find helpful or appealing. Then store the rest or pass it along to others who may really need a helping hand right now (Goodwill is accepting donations again!) Also if your home is lacking some character or creature comforts, now may be the perfect opportunity to invest in your space.

3- Dedicated Personal Space: My son took it upon himself to clean everything out of his closet and create what he calls a “pod.” He used pillows and blankets to make it comfy. When he needs time for himself, he escapes to his “pod.” I thought I had made a nice quiet reading nook for the kids to unwind, but as he put it, he wanted a space “just for me to do nothing.” Even if you live alone, you may want to create a dedicated space for relaxing and doing nothing (which is a pretty important something.)

Relationship Boundaries

1- Communicate- let your family and friends know about what is working well for you and what you are struggling with and enlist their support.  Perhaps they can send a reminder txt to get to work or to take a break. Sometimes talking about things allows your brain space to problem solve, and other times you receive validation or hear that you are not alone. Communicating your needs clearly during this time is especially important in shared living space when everyone is tripping over each other. Using relationship experts, John & Julie Gottman’s approach called the Soft Start to find your way through challenging times.

2- Schedule Time Alone: It can be great to have so much more *quality* time with family, but in a busy house like mine, I crave solitude. Some days I go take a bath (and lock the door), go for a long walk after dinner (not about the exercise, but about having alone time), or kick everyone out of the house to power clean (which I’m finding so cathartic!) Kids also need time to themselves, as my son explained so well when he created his pod. Finding creative ways that work for your family to allow each of you time and space for solitude is crucial.

3- Schedule Connection Time Together: Just because you’re all in the same house every day, does not mean you are connecting. If you had the habit of family game night or pizza night before the pandemic, keep it going, or consider restarting it (even if you’ve already played 10 games of Candyland with your daughter during the day…) You can adapt your traditions from before to better suit your time demands. Please remember that quality connection does NOT have to be multiple uninterrupted hours devoted to each other. Taking one of the kids individually to go grab an iced cap at the drive thru and pick up the click & collect order totally counts, as long as you can tune in to them most of the time. For teens, this is an ideal strategy. Side note, it is usually easier for mom or dad to have these quality connections with kids if they maintain healthy doses of personal time.

Sensory Boundaries:

1- Set the mood with music: for teenagers this can be an engaging and useful task. Encourage them to create mood-based playlists or find a streaming channel that helps set the tone for school work, family, and alone time. For parents, create a list with songs your kids love and use it on those days where everyone is on edge. Put it on and go for a drive. In our family this works like a reset button.

2- Follow your nose: is there a scent that never fails to remind you of good times when you were connected to family & friends? Find a way to bring that smell to your day-to-day- maybe get out a scented holiday candle and light that during video chats. It can help to fire neural connections associated with bonding and foster stronger ties, acting like a sensory bridge.

3- Meditate: Take time with yourself without too much input. Make space to be with your thoughts and emotions. Make it a date with yourself regularly (daily is most effective), with limited devices, to connect with your internal stimuli. 5-15 minutes. Personally, I use a meditation app on my phone. There are many free and paid options to try out.

Coping Strategies- If you are already overwhelmed and need to find a way to regulate before attempting to build new boundaries into your life, give some of these a try:

1- Take a hot shower

2- Call a friend

3- Place a cold cloth on your forehead

4- journal or doodle

5- deep clean your kitchen or bathroom (just 1 space)

6- Order takeout for your next meal

More strategies here.

Each person and every family may find different strategies helpful. And for all the high achievers out there- I can’t imagine anyone doing all of the things I’ve listed. This is not a checklist for successful quarantine, this is a brainstorm of things to try if you’re feeling stuck in the swirl of overwhelm… Also- fuzzy boundaries are only one of the many reasons you may be experiencing overwhelm. At the moment there are many things contributing to overwhelm and scented candles, family games night, and dance-it-out parties are not going to solve all of it. If you are finding it hard to cope, reach out for support.

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